"Eff it," I whispered quietly to myself, realizing how much I was trying to control what he could already see. My hands shook and my feet danced restlessly, I couldn't get the lid to Mohawk's cage back on, tears were beginning to form and I was constantly sucking blood from an aching lip.
Grey stood up, gently moved my hands and did the latch on the cage. He handed me a tissue from my desk, which I took gratefully, first wiping my tears then my lip. Small patches of red appeared on the tissue. I sucked my lip, salty blood mixing with saliva.
"Alice? Alice, let's go out. Take a walk."
"Okay," I didn't have the energy to resist. He took my hand, squeezed it for a minute. "If you go tell your mum that we're going for a walk, I'll go out the window and ring the bell. I don't want her to be suspicious about me being in the house after she just sent me away."
I nodded, sniffled. My mother was surprised to see me, awkward, not quite sure what to say. I didn't want to talk about what had happened, I wasn't ready, not yet. She let me go out, with promises to be back within the hour. The doorbell rang.
~~~~~~~~~~
We didn't speak. There was nothing left to be said. I held his hand, and that was comforting. A sudden and vicious wave of exhaustion had hit me. His hand was warm, warm and gentle and strong, and I needed it, I needed it to stay up.
I paused by the entrance to the pond. I wondered sleepily if I wanted to enter, really wanted to go in. "They found a piece of his shirt here." It was the first word that either of us had uttered since leaving the house. He squeezed my hand. A large white sign hung on the gate.
CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION
So they were redoing the pond. My senses were dulled, I didn't have the energy care. Tomorrow, I would. But not now. Beyond the wire fence the construction didn't seem to have really started, the benches had been pulled out and stacked, a small bulldozer parked in the corner. The pond though, and the trees and the bushed, had been left untouched for now.
Grey glanced over at me. He stuck a shoe into the fence, tested the wire's strength and hoisted himself up. "You coming?" I smiled, still licking tears that fell to my lips. The fence dug into my palms, but we were soon at the top, where we tumbled down back down on the other side.
Brushing ourselves off, he reached for my hand again.
I felt calmer now, softer almost, if one can feel soft. Sleepy, relaxed. I glanced up at the small tree, the tree where I had, five years ago, found a torn piece of cloth. I didn't know what they were going to do to this place, tear it down maybe. I wondered if the tree would stay. Grey led me to a large boulder near the edge of the pond. Resting on the boulder, I closed my eyes and leaned against his shoulder, the sounds, the sounds that were so alive, crickets and birds, small animals that rustled in the undergrowth, licking in and out of my brain. My lips were sore and chapped, but they no longer bled.
I peeked at the tree again as Grey wrapped his arm around my shoulder. Maybe, I thought, Grey's smell and the exhaustion from what I had finally done taking it's toll on me, maybe it's time for them to rebuild this pond. It needs some cleaning up. The last thing I saw before I fell asleep on his shoulder was Grey's faded red shirt, and I smiled.
